I Failed Today

The day I failed started out like any other day.  I woke up already feeling stressed as I started putting away dirty dishes realizing they hadn’t been washed.  How did we forget to press start? How am I behind today when it’s barely even begun?

I find myself yelling, breaking up a ridiculous sibling showdown all while trying to lasso up a two year old so he can have a fresh diaper. 

I’m sweating. It’s not even seven. 

I haven’t showered, the laundry still needs folded from yesterday and I can’t find one of my kiddos shoes. 

I hate today already. I hate the way I am feeling already. Deep breath.

Trying to get back on this derailed parenthood train, I pause for a moment and read a visual reminder I have on the wall.  Be grateful for this day.

Which puts me in a shittier mood.  Knowing I should be grateful and I’m just pissed.  Which pisses me off more. 

The day goes on as I yell more than I humanely knew possible.  Even though I saw your big eyes staring at me in disbelief.  I just yelled at everyone for everything.

Our car wouldn’t start and instead of showing you how I could and should handle a situation I allowed myself to cuss and sulk.  I didn’t have an ingredient to make dinner complete and instead of showing you how to roll with the punches I let myself get sucked into this big tsunami of fail. 

I was frustrated that you were taking too long to get ready for bed, I snapped at my poor husband who just was another victim of my mood and couldn’t find the good in anything I had right in front of me.

I failed you today my little ones.

It was more my issue littles ones.   I was mostly angry at myself for letting these negative thoughts take over.  They had nowhere to go but out.  Out of my mouth and into your hearts.

I failed today. And guess what? You will too someday.

You’ll have a day when you get a bad grade.  Or you didn’t chose to be kind.   Or you took your feelings out on your brothers.  Or you weren’t the friend or daughter or sister you knew you could be.

And you know what else? It's ok. 

I’m telling you right now that I wish someone had told me that when I was growing up: You will fail some days. And that’s ok. As long as we can reflect and hold ourselves accountable it’s ok to fail.

That evening when I tuck you into bed and I still see you smiling and telling me all about what superhero you want to be, I know I needed to teach you a lesson.

“I’m sorry. I failed today,” I tell you.

You look up with your big blue eyes,not really comprehending the weight of my words, yet still displaying this sweet, innocent love. 

“It’s ok Mom.”

“Thank you bud. I did fail today.  I got so mad and I should have talked about what was going on and dealt with all these feelings. I’ll try again tomorrow” I say, holding your little hand in mine.

“And you know what, bud? I'll be here when you fail some days too.” You look up and I see your eyes taking in my words. And I feel your little hand get tighter around my hand.

“I love you.”

And with those three words, I know I couldn’t have failed too badly. And I fall asleep knowing I’ll just try again tomorrow.